Friday, November 1, 2013

Beard ranking and other Bollocks

I was recently asked to comment on an Iceman beard growing competition.  I've attached my responses below.  I had so much fun doing this that out of respect for Movember and national Men's health month, send me a photo of your beard or mustache and i will happily (and comically) review it.  (if your idea of a beard is your wife, Linda, who you met while attending Calvin College, that's fine too. )  I'll be updating the blog daily in anticipation of the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross, that is only thirty days away!

Mr A.

Similar to a light dusting of moss over the frozen tundra, the beard of Mr A is an exercise in passive aggressiveness. Microscopic barbs peppered along Pursed lips and a soft chin that was apparently formed by fetal alcohol syndrome, Mr A bears the expression of a man who's wife exercised a few too liberties at Pottery barn. Rather than confront the matter directly, he opted to reprimand her with a 60 grit surprise every time she reminds him how much money she saved.

Mr B.

Unburdened by his inner ginger, Mr. B, apparently was watching to Oscars when he came to the conclusion that James Franco can't grow a beard either (and that didn't stop him from getting with Linsey Lohan). His beard is like a mustang: Wild, untamed, multicolored and scattered unevenly across the country side. No need to inquire if the carpet matches the drapes, because the drapes don't match the drapes.

Mr. C.

This is an obvious fake. The entire chin is covered as if he emptied his vacuum bag after eating corn on the cob.

Mr D.

Normally he would have been disqualified for the extraneous animation, but I believe it is important to make an example of him. This beard, in its pupae stage of development, shows little promise. His beard; Inconsistent and disorganized, stunted by menthol cigarettes, it is a larger analogy of its owner's denial. The entrant choose to use digital imaging trickery to suggest us that he is smart and calculating, and that he has the conviction to sail across the north seas to conquer and pillage. But even Microsoft Paint cannot hide the sorrow in his eyes, and his more forlorn beard.

Mr E.

Solid & Consistent, Mr. E's beard covers his lantern jaw like a merino wool sweater on a cool Saturday afternoon trip to the cider mill. This is the beard that was traditionally used to measure the sharpness of an ax. To the casual observer, his sideways smirk may be misinterpreted as overconfidence. But Mr. E knows it's not about winning, it's about playing the game. Even if critics do surface, if he doesn't like whats being said, he knows he can always change the conversation.

1 comment:

  1. I think Mr. E won. I saw him at Iceman, and thought he had on a Balaclava. It turned out it was just his beard.