Friday, November 8, 2013

Baddass is the new black.

I have a daughter.  She's 13, six foot tall, does cross-fit 4 days a week, and is a total baddass on the volleyball court.  Her mom doesn't like me referring to her as a baddass, but she can't deny her baddass-ness.  (her moms a baddass too, who once told Kirk Gibson* that she'd "Kick his Ass", but I digress).

I am very proud of her.  It is great to see her take an interest in something that she is genuinely talented, and see her apply herself to make herself even better.  Maybe it's her confidence, maybe it's her competence, Maybe it's just bias.  

The other night, after enjoying a few delicious Pumpkin Stouts from  Liberty Street Brewery Company (official social lubricant supplier to the DICX). I was browsing YouTube, making the usual stops at GoPro videos of the day, the 1979 Monaco GP,  before eventually ending up watching Probert-era** hockey fights till the wee hours of the morning.  I came across this little gem:  

Apparently there are hundreds of videos of delightful young ladies,just shredding on a gutair.  This is one of my personal favorites.  I love her nonchalance as she rips through Avenge Sevenfold as easy as tying her shoes, then shuts off the webcam with the conviction of dropping the mike.  A finish as definitive as Joe Strummer smashing his instrument.  I'm positive that she is leaving a crowd of middle school boys in her wake who are trembling in their shoes, wondering where they will ever muster up the self confidence to speak to her without their voice cracking.  

As a father, intimidating boys appeals to me on a fundamental level.

Speaking of intimidating boys, did you know that we have a ladies division for the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross?  Baddasses, every last one of them. In fact,we start them before the boys to protect the fragile male egos.    Last year the top spots were all less than a minute apart, including some last lap lead changes.   This year, it promises to be the race to watch. I'm going to break down the top five of last years race.  

#1 Adrienne O'Day
The only multiple winner of the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross ladies race.   Although the first one was self-proclaimed, because we didn't have a ladies division. In honor of the reigning champion, this year the restroom facilities will carry her name:  "The Adrienne O'Day, Bidet" (previous years they were referred to as "The woods***")  In a way, that makes her both the Jackie Robinson and the Micheal Jordan of the DICX for her gender.  She's trained in making prosthesis (I once incorrectly referred to her as a Prosthetute) which means that in a race she can rip off your legs, beat you over the head with them, then build a new leg for you so you can hopefully lead a fairly normal life.  Strengths: Speed & Endurance.  She also attended a MAC school, so we know she can handle her liquor.  Weaknesses: None.

#2 Gabriella Sterne 
This soft spoken, sweet, gentle grad student is fast as @#%!.  She's been on the podium of just about every race she's entered this year.  Last year she nipped second place at the line.  Select Vegas odds makers are selecting her as the favorite.  I'm keeping my cards close to my chest, as I've seen what cheap tequila does to UofM Coeds.

#3 Pam Bufe
If you are looking for the grudge match, you've found it.  Last year Pam was nipped at the line by Gabrielle.  She didn't see it coming, it was a classic tactical error, much like starting a land war in Asia.  Two weeks later she was still grumbling about it.  Pam could have responded like a delicate little wildflower and withered up.  Instead she choose to race single speed all summer, with the boys.  When asked about her summer at the Ithaca GP, she responded: "I thought racing single speed would make me fast, but all it seem to do was make my butt big"****  Good thing for her that a robust ga-dunk-a-dunk is appreciated in the hood. Expect her to be a favorite among the locals.  Look for Pam to get the holeshot and block anyone who tries to pass her.  

#4 Rebecca "The Lepoard" Wissman
One of the most distinctive lady racers in Michigan, Rebecca can easily be identified by her love of animal prints and because she runs the Tailwind race series.  In fact, she has generously donated a free Tailwind race admission to the DICX prize vault.  The youngest of the top racers, Strengths: Style points, Weakness: knee brace that was big enough to be featured on 'Modern Marvels'

#5 Amy "The Wolf" Meldrum
The sole female cross racer of the prestigious Velvet Elvis Cycling Team.  Amy works for MDOT and is used to stopping traffic in her team kit.  She earned her nickname by winning the Big Bad Wolf CX earlier this year and shouldn't be counted out of this years invitational.  

There you have it.  The race is a toss up between these five.  Unless there are other Chica cabróns  that want to throw their hat in the ring.  If so, Register by emailing me at   

Come November 30th Baddass is the new Black!

The CX Czar.

*True Story  
**I'm partial to Kocur.  You know you're baddass when you beat a guy up IN the Blackhawks bench:
***Not to be confused with the residence of Mike & Kristen Woods.  He wouldn't appreciate that.
**** her words, not mine!

No comments:

Post a Comment