DICX Countdown

Friday, November 22, 2013

Detroit Invitational Cyclocross - Rules and participant information.

Congratulations, if you are recieving this email you are registered for the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross!  Saturday November 30th , 2013
Race Location: Dorias Park corner of Mound and Outer drive
(Park on the south side of the park on Outer Drive)  Google Map Link: http://goo.gl/maps/81ec7
Note: Dorias is not the nicest neighborhood, please take special care to keep your car locked and secured to avoid theft.

Race times:10AM : Racing Greyhounds Team Point Series CX
11:15AM : Detroit Invitational Cyclocross (the race you will be competing in)  (I know I said 11, but I'm buying myself 15 minutes for registration)
Post race after party and Prize presentation at Kuhnhenn's Brewery (5919 Chicago Road  Warren, MI 48092 (586) 979-8361) Map link: http://goo.gl/maps/09Tpo

Registration:Prior to the race, riders will be expected to check in at the Blue KHS Tent at the top of the hill & pick up their number plate and Timing chip.  The chip may be on a plastic card that will need to be tie-rapped to the seat or handlebars... or it may be a sticker that will be placed on your helmet.  If the chip is too close to metal, it may not register.  Prior to the race, please ride through the timing tent to test your chip. 

-This year we will have a Ladies division.    They start will start 30 seconds before the boys.  This is purely for aesthetic reasons.  
We will accept "Day of" registration, but will serve preregistered riders first.  Preregistration ends about 6pm on Friday.  

As the promoter I retain the right to reject entry for any bicycle that I deem too much of a piece of shit to race in my race.  All recumbants are automatically disqualified on that principle.  

Mtn bikes are allowed provided they do not have bar ends positioned in such a way that they may impale other riders.  There will also be a special rule that will be implemented this year to limit the mechanical advantage of Mtn bikes on run-ups.

Cheating - Is Strongly discouraged!  By cheating I mean cutting the course or riding in a manner that limits, obstructs or endangers your fellow racers or the fans.  That's pretty much it.  First offenses will result in a stop & Go penalty, further violations will result in disqualification... unless you are so behind that it really doesnt matter.  
Tandems count as one bike, but have two riders.  They will recieve one card per lap, but have to do two shots if they take the Tequila Shot shortcut. (just in case it comes up)

The race:The race Will be approximatly 45 minutes, we will take the time of the first lap and approximate the number of laps to the finish of the race.  The laps remaining will be displayed on a clip board near the Start/Finish Line. the Start of the last lap, the race promotors will yell "One to Go" so listen for it!  Prizes will be awarded to the first three racers to cross the line after the last lap (The race promoter retains the right to cut the race short for impending emergencies such as overly inclemet weather or law enforcement intervention.
Race officials will request alert racers to the start ten minutes before the race.
The Course:The Course Will be marked with Flags & caution tape.    It should be fairly intuitive but if you have questions, please ask before the race.  FYI the course will run Counter clockwise. The caution tape will be be on shorter stakes than you are are accustom... this is one of the cost concessions we had to make in order to keep the entry fees low.  We dont think it is that big of a deal.  Remember barriers are meant to be crossed and tape not to be crossed.

There are a few unique features within the course that are listed below:
Prologue - Racers will line up at the starting line, follow the race promoters instructions and complete half a lap.  First competitor to cross the Start/Finish line will win a preem (prize) The starting line will be the on the concrete pad at the top of the Soapbox derby hill.
The Tequila Shot Shortcut - If a racer so chooses, they may opt to take the "Tequila shot short-cut".  This option replaces about a hundred yards and a set of barriers in exchange for a shot of tequila.  The entrance to the TSS is to the left hand side of the start finish line.  You must come to a complete stop, clip out at least one foot, do your shot, then proceed after you are instructed.  If you so wish, you may take the shortcut every lap.  (we don't encourage it)  Please dont inquire as to the quality of the tequila.  If the supply of Tequila runs out, the promoter reserves the right to replace it with an equally vile and intoxicating substance.
-Minors are forbidden by law from taking advantage of the tequila shot shortcut and shouldn't even be in the race.  if you are a minor, you will need to identify yourself by wearing an identifying article of clothing of my choice.  

Draw Poker:
In addition to the traditional "Race" there will be a draw poker game.  Starting with the completion of the first lap, riders will have an opportunity to grab a standard playing card from one of our three lovely "Dealers" standing at the start/Finish line.  One card per bike/ per lap.  At the end of the race the racer with the best five card Poker hand will win.  Faster riders may collect more than five cards (one for each lap finished) giving them an advantage of more cards to select their hand, but only the top five cards will count (except in the case of tiebreakers)  Winner gets a free growler of their choice from Kuhnhenn's Brewery.
-Because of the number of racers we will have to use multiple decks, so improbable hands such as "five Aces" is possible and will be scored accordingly.
-The Tequila shot shortcut will not prevent you from collecting a card for each lap.
-If you drop or lose your cards while on the course and someone picks them up "finders keepers - losers weepers" rules apply.  A card is fair game anywhere outside of the concrete Start/Finish platform.
-Spectators may pick up dropped cards provided they hold them up for a handout that is available to all riders.
Dollar / Beer / Bacon grabs:
Are awesome and encouraged!  
Registration Fee:  There is none, this race is free (as in beer)... The race is a sponsored by the Racing Greyhounds & Cycle to fitness in Livonia as a special thank you to everyone that we race against.  We also get a ton of help from "The Mower Gang"  the awesome group of guys that mow parks in Detroit because the city can't aford to to do it themselves.  As a result, they keep the rat population down and give the kids a place to play.  We'll have a donation Jar for the Mowergang,  We figured that it would be good to throw a few bucks their way for gas money.  Without them, this event wouldnt happen.
If you would like to help set up, There will be a trail day Saturday November 22nd at the park at 9am.  Day of the race, I will be at the park around 8am to set up the track.  bring a hammer & Staple Gun and I'll put you to work. 

If it's more your style to throw a six pack to the people that put this race together, we are down with that.
...Plus any rules that I can think of between now and then!
If you have questions, email me at cxczar@gmail.com
See you saturday

Monday, November 18, 2013

I am a student at a large Midwestern University...

Hi Cx Czar,
Would you recommend this race to a first time CX racer?  If not, could you recommend a few local races that are beginner friendly?  I don't want to impede the progress of the good racers, so I would start at the very back. I saw pics of last year's race and it looked pretty challenging.

Or should I leave the bike at home and go see if Emily Batty shows up.

Dear Junior,

The truth is, there is no such thing as "Beginner Friendly" cyclocross race.  Cyclocross  Any promoter that would reduce the difficulty of a course to accommodate first time racers is doing a disservice to the sport.  Cyclocross, like bourbon, is best when it is not watered down.  

I will use an analogy, that with an email of "JuniorBooBoo", you are probably more familiar : 
Attempting to loose your virginity.

Regardless of how much time and energy you expend, nothing will prepare you for what you are about to experience.  You will be confused.   You won't know where to go or what to do.  You are going to stumble, fall, possibly hurt yourself (and someone else).  You'll end up shivering, heart pounding and covered in your own snot and possibly vomit... that's if you do it right.   Sure we can rationalize that it might have been better if we were with Shannon Elizabeth or Tara Reid (or both)*.  It's all moot anyway, because the point is that you didn't know what to expect before and now you have a little bit better idea.  

If I were to dumb down the course, I would be like the creepy father that takes his son to a prostitute on his 16th birthday.**  Sure the seal is technically broken, but it's not the same.  There is a lot of interpersonal communication that is lost in this scenario.  Sure, you may be the type of person that enjoys taking credit for other's efforts, but they are called "narcissists" and are officially #1 on Ms. Batty's list of "Turn Off's"  

So, to answer your question, yes, the Detroit Invitational is as fine as race as any to be your first.  

 I don't want to impede the progress of the good racers.

Don't you worry about that... that's my job

Should I leave the bike at home and go see if Emily Batty shows up.

Emily Batty's list of "Turn Offs"***
2) Posers

Better bring the bike. ; )  I'll register you... Would you like me to choose a better nickname?

Jeff Wood
aka Cx Czar

*Shooting in the dark with the pop culture references since I don't know your age.
** I did not invent nor do I support this process of achieving manhood... but we all know of one guy who went through this.  
*** This will probably be a blog post in itself.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively

“Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

Just because I put on an unsanctioned race, I don't want to give you the impression that I am some radical anarchist.  I'm 45, wear a suit to work and I don't own a Guy Fawkes mask.  Sure, I lean a bit left when it comes to personal freedoms, but i think my beliefs lie closer to enjoying a dash of baileys in my coffee as I attend the thanksgiving day parade than they do with lobbing a molitov cocktails into a group of riot police.

You see rules are fine, necessary in fact, provided they make sense.  A good rule is well intentioned, clearly written, and correctly enforced with alignment to the original intention.

For example, the rule on disallowing triathlon style aero bars for mass start criteriums is a perfect example of good rule that is well intentioned to protect riders from a potentially dangerous situation (ie, triathletes riding in crits), well written, clear to enforce and effective.  Without this rule, every corner would be a bloodbath...kind of like Cat5!

I have a friend in law enforcement.  We've had conversations about how the red solo cup is more of a social contract between citizen and civil servant than is is a beverage receptacle.  You see, the cop is required by oath to enforce the laws.  If he sees me with a post race barley-pop in my hand, he can pinch me for Open Intoxicant, I pay a fine, and probably go on a sex-offenders list for the rest of my life because I tipped a pumpkin stout within 5,000 yards of a schoolyard. (Thank you, Nancy Regan!)  But, If I opt to keep my brew in a solo cup, and (this is the important part) am not acting like a shithead, Mr. police officer is not obligated to inquire as to what I am drinking.  Could be milk, could be pepsi, who knows.

But this is an example where the intention is good.  No one wants to expose kids to a drunk.  Unfortunately "zero tolerance" laws have taken context and discretion out of the situation.  Thank fully, selective enforcement has made the situation right.  Which is why we race in Detroit...Selective enforcement

Let me say, I have nothing against USA Cycling officials.  They have a job to do, and they do it well.  This year they have been very cool in a "just don't let me see it " kind of way.  I respect that.  I respect them.

When we first created this race, our intention was to poke fun at the rules of cyclocross, especially the arbitrary rules by pushing them just beyond their limits.  Kind of the way a child tests their limits.  It has become part of our charm.  Kind of like your red headed nephew that you describe as "precocious".  For example:
USA Cycling rule # 4A9 (d) Obstacles: 
 The course may include a maximum of 6 artificial obstacles.

We have seven.

Why seven?  Because n+1!   Because, like Nigel Tufnel's Marshall amplifier, this race "Goes to eleven"!  Because arbitrary limits stink!  And, I had a ton of spare paneling left over from remodling my upstairs.

The following is a list of USA Cycling rules that are blatantly ignored at the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross.  Please note, this list is not comprehensive.  To obtain a comprehensive list, please obtain a current copy of the USAC rule book, and ignore the thing altogether:

USA Cycling rule # 8A5(g)
Person with official responsibilities at race consuming alcoholic beverages or other intoxicants, is prohibited.
This is a precautionary measure so that I may accept those gracious donations that I find in my hand each year.  This year, USA Cycling modified the above rule with:
USA Cycling rule # 1N13:
“other intoxicants” added to alcohol as something not to be consumed by people in positions of responsibility at bike races. Acknowledges some recent legal changes in Colorado and Washington.
Is there anything more annoying than when the voice of the people is heard and a state law abolished, only to be undermined by lesser regulations
USA Cycling rule #8A5(h)
Person with official responsibilities at race laying a wager on outcome
of race is prohibited.
How did you think I pay for this thing without charging entrance fees?
USA Cycling rule #8A2(b) Competing without valid entry into race or fraudulent entry into race, or identity fraud. 
Now, I will admit that I am the asshole who once registered for Mad Anthony as "Lloyd Flandis".  My only regret is that I did not register as "Bom Toonen", which is a far better name.  (Seriously, my apologies to the Mad Anthony crew)   If you are not fond of your name and are far more comfortable with "Carlos Danger" I totally get it.  However as race promoter, I will have to add the following caveats:
1) If you are going to use the name of a pro racer, you better show up in character, in an authentic team kit or reasonable homemade facsimile thereof.
1A) If you register as Emily Batty, in addition to the team kit and be prepared to man the kissing booth for an hour following the race.
2) If more than one of you show up as the same pro, each racer will be asked to contribute a minor amount of money ($1 or $5), which  will be held by a race official and presented to the fastest competitor assuming that name, including the honor of being know as "the Real ______" for the remainder of the day. 

One of my favorite discoveries in the rule book is:
USA Cycling rule 4A13.
No acrobatics on the part of the riders shall be required to overcome obstacles. 
This rule is the driving force on why the tequila shot shortcut is not the "Keg Stand cut through"
Ok, that's not true... but it does open a world of possibilities of how can we require the riders to perform "acrobatics"to overcome obstacles.  I will tell Mike Belanger, the course designer, to get on that.

Surprisingly, the rule that we are most affiliated with violating, is not being broken.  This was a bit of discovery for me as well that technically, Hand offs are not explicitly banned.

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you "The Hand off rule"

USA Cycling rule 4A15:"Feeding is generally not permitted unless specifically authorized by the Chief Referee. If authorized, there is normally no feeding in the first two and final two laps of the race, and a temperature of at least 68 degrees is recommended. All feeding takes place in the pit lane, unless the Chief Referee specifies otherwise."

For those of you that don't speak legalese.  Whether or not hand-ups are allowed at a given race is entirely to the discretion of the Chief Referee.  So It is possible for the chief Official to make a ruling and allow hand ups for a given race.  Cat-4 men for example?

Alcohol is mentioned 11 times in the current rule book, but mostly in reference to providing it to a minor or use by an official on race day.  "Excessive use" is mentioned in the code of conduct, but handing a beer, to a rider, is not explicitly prohibited.

Maybe we should ask nicely at the next USAC race.

The Cx Czar.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Baddass is the new black.

I have a daughter.  She's 13, six foot tall, does cross-fit 4 days a week, and is a total baddass on the volleyball court.  Her mom doesn't like me referring to her as a baddass, but she can't deny her baddass-ness.  (her moms a baddass too, who once told Kirk Gibson* that she'd "Kick his Ass", but I digress).

I am very proud of her.  It is great to see her take an interest in something that she is genuinely talented, and see her apply herself to make herself even better.  Maybe it's her confidence, maybe it's her competence, Maybe it's just bias.  

The other night, after enjoying a few delicious Pumpkin Stouts from  Liberty Street Brewery Company (official social lubricant supplier to the DICX). I was browsing YouTube, making the usual stops at GoPro videos of the day, the 1979 Monaco GP,  before eventually ending up watching Probert-era** hockey fights till the wee hours of the morning.  I came across this little gem:  

Apparently there are hundreds of videos of delightful young ladies,just shredding on a gutair.  This is one of my personal favorites.  I love her nonchalance as she rips through Avenge Sevenfold as easy as tying her shoes, then shuts off the webcam with the conviction of dropping the mike.  A finish as definitive as Joe Strummer smashing his instrument.  I'm positive that she is leaving a crowd of middle school boys in her wake who are trembling in their shoes, wondering where they will ever muster up the self confidence to speak to her without their voice cracking.  

As a father, intimidating boys appeals to me on a fundamental level.

Speaking of intimidating boys, did you know that we have a ladies division for the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross?  Baddasses, every last one of them. In fact,we start them before the boys to protect the fragile male egos.    Last year the top spots were all less than a minute apart, including some last lap lead changes.   This year, it promises to be the race to watch. I'm going to break down the top five of last years race.  

#1 Adrienne O'Day
The only multiple winner of the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross ladies race.   Although the first one was self-proclaimed, because we didn't have a ladies division. In honor of the reigning champion, this year the restroom facilities will carry her name:  "The Adrienne O'Day, Bidet" (previous years they were referred to as "The woods***")  In a way, that makes her both the Jackie Robinson and the Micheal Jordan of the DICX for her gender.  She's trained in making prosthesis (I once incorrectly referred to her as a Prosthetute) which means that in a race she can rip off your legs, beat you over the head with them, then build a new leg for you so you can hopefully lead a fairly normal life.  Strengths: Speed & Endurance.  She also attended a MAC school, so we know she can handle her liquor.  Weaknesses: None.

#2 Gabriella Sterne 
This soft spoken, sweet, gentle grad student is fast as @#%!.  She's been on the podium of just about every race she's entered this year.  Last year she nipped second place at the line.  Select Vegas odds makers are selecting her as the favorite.  I'm keeping my cards close to my chest, as I've seen what cheap tequila does to UofM Coeds.

#3 Pam Bufe
If you are looking for the grudge match, you've found it.  Last year Pam was nipped at the line by Gabrielle.  She didn't see it coming, it was a classic tactical error, much like starting a land war in Asia.  Two weeks later she was still grumbling about it.  Pam could have responded like a delicate little wildflower and withered up.  Instead she choose to race single speed all summer, with the boys.  When asked about her summer at the Ithaca GP, she responded: "I thought racing single speed would make me fast, but all it seem to do was make my butt big"****  Good thing for her that a robust ga-dunk-a-dunk is appreciated in the hood. Expect her to be a favorite among the locals.  Look for Pam to get the holeshot and block anyone who tries to pass her.  

#4 Rebecca "The Lepoard" Wissman
One of the most distinctive lady racers in Michigan, Rebecca can easily be identified by her love of animal prints and because she runs the Tailwind race series.  In fact, she has generously donated a free Tailwind race admission to the DICX prize vault.  The youngest of the top racers, Strengths: Style points, Weakness: knee brace that was big enough to be featured on 'Modern Marvels'

#5 Amy "The Wolf" Meldrum
The sole female cross racer of the prestigious Velvet Elvis Cycling Team.  Amy works for MDOT and is used to stopping traffic in her team kit.  She earned her nickname by winning the Big Bad Wolf CX earlier this year and shouldn't be counted out of this years invitational.  

There you have it.  The race is a toss up between these five.  Unless there are other Chica cabrĂ³ns  that want to throw their hat in the ring.  If so, Register by emailing me at cxczar@gmail.com.   

Come November 30th Baddass is the new Black!

The CX Czar.

*True Story  
**I'm partial to Kocur.  You know you're baddass when you beat a guy up IN the Blackhawks bench: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErDRcvipZNE
***Not to be confused with the residence of Mike & Kristen Woods.  He wouldn't appreciate that.
**** her words, not mine!

Thursday, November 7, 2013


Speculation from highly unreliable sources that this year's Detroit Invitational Cyclocross will feature an Emily Batty kissing booth have not yet been confirmed.  Attempts to reach Ms. Batty vis the twitterwebs, have not been dignified with a response.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'd like to talk about motivation... because I seem to have lost mine.

I'd like to talk about motivation... because I seem to have lost mine.

Let me provide a bit of exposition: For the past year, I have been working with a shrink addressing the dark, uncomfortable childhood realities that we normally associate with women that choose a vocation that involves working with brass tubing.  Without getting into the ugly details, What I thought was down, was up.  What I believe to be right, was left.  And methods I used to motivate myself were actually self-destructive and designed to mask a plummeting self esteem.

As a protection mechanism, I had developed an unhealthy attitude towards competition.  In a way I was seeing how fast I could run on the hamster wheel just to distract myself from the fact that I was in a cage.

So now I find myself in this place where it's tough to improve my time on the hamster wheel, because I'm more concerned about squeezing through the bars of the cage.

I don't think I am alone.  Observationally speaking, mental instability and cycling seem go hand in hand. Take cyclocross: riding bikes with skinny tires and drop bars through mud & snow, during fall & winter is, at best, irrational, at its worst, it is the definition of masochism.

Triathletes: Obsessive compulsive... every last one of them!  What is really driving the burning desire to swap that "70.3" sticker on the back of you car for a "140.6" ... It must be the subtle off-white coloring, Raised lettering, pale nimbus. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh, my God. It even has a watermark!

Road racers are notoriously the most twisted.  With their leg shaving / Gender Dysphoria Symptoms (Not that there's anything wrong with it!).  Narcissists *cough* Lance *cough*.  Schizophrenia (shut up legs!).  And The Milgram Experiment was modeled after every training ride ever...

Mountain bikers are easily the most well adjusted, with only a smattering of minor substance abuse issues that are limited to the post ride micro brew or occasionally herb.  Oh, there is the occasional bi-polar symptoms that arise when attempting to pass one on the trail in a team kit.

I haven't even touched on single speeders, or the hoarding tendencies of cyclists (how many bikes do we need) .  Recumbents are nothing but a cry for help.

What is it about competitive cycling that tickles our synapse in just the right way that it releases an endorphin?  I'm not talking about just riding a bike.  I'm talking about racing a bike.  The act of willfully ripping our legs off and beating ourselves over the head with them.  It can't all be a manifestation of self loathing.

Now that I think about it, coming to grips with my inner demons may actually have a negative effect on my racing.  If there are any ladies out there with daddy issues, please identify yourself.  I may need some chaos in my life before Barry Roubaix.

So come November 30th, Just think of me as your enabler.  I'm the guy who brings you Kentucky Fried Chicken even though you haven't left the bed in years. Regardless of what ails you, we have a remedy (and the first one is always free) .

The CX Czar

Monday, November 4, 2013

Never give up the Chocolate Fountain

Patrick Flahie wrote:

Due to my current sorry state of fitness, I have updated my standard appearance contract to delete my usual requirements of:
·         Fully-apportioned team tent including hot tub, chocolate fountain and podium girls.
·         A podium with a top step with area of at least 100 sq. ft. to accommodate my entourage while I accept the grand prize package.
·         Emily Batty.
·         Pit crew including at least two master mechanics to maintain my seven race bikes before/during/after the race.
·         40 acres and a mule.

All that I require – nay, beg for – is a simple invitation to your grand invitational.

Pat.. Pat.. Pat..

While I appreciate humility, I don't want to encourage behaviors that lead us to compromise on important decisions.  Decisions that may seem innocuous at the time but leave you, at age 45, asking the question "How the f*ck did I become a subject matter expert on international compensation & taxes?!  I wanted to be a pro beach volleyball player!"

The danger in compromise lies not in the big decisions, they are generally easy.   Real conviction to our ideals lies in the incremental decisions that we make every day.  Like going with the 4-door instead of the convertible, or giving up the chocolate fountain.

So while some of your requests may be interpreted a frivolous, I can certainly understand how a man, nearing 40, with couple kids, would request the presence of a 25 year old, petite, Canadian, Olympian who always seems to have the sun shining through her hair.  (Though I'm not sure that a cyclocross race with freezing temperatures in a questionable neighborhood is the ideal environment to attempt to close the deal on the woman of your dreams... And if you do the math  of (YourAge / 2 )+ 7 = HerAge.  it comes out a bit creepy... but this is your dream, not mine)  Who am I to deny you?

To quote Thomas edition:

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

So, just for you, I've reached out to Emily on the twitterwebs:
@emilybatty  Several racers inquired if you'd attend the Detroit Invitational CX.  Nov 30th.  (I'm sure they cleared it with their wives) 
The rest is up to you.  See you on the 30th
(and never give up that Chocolate Fountain!)

CX Czar.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Beard ranking and other Bollocks

I was recently asked to comment on an Iceman beard growing competition.  I've attached my responses below.  I had so much fun doing this that out of respect for Movember and national Men's health month, send me a photo of your beard or mustache and i will happily (and comically) review it.  (if your idea of a beard is your wife, Linda, who you met while attending Calvin College, that's fine too. )  I'll be updating the blog daily in anticipation of the Detroit Invitational Cyclocross, that is only thirty days away!

Mr A.

Similar to a light dusting of moss over the frozen tundra, the beard of Mr A is an exercise in passive aggressiveness. Microscopic barbs peppered along Pursed lips and a soft chin that was apparently formed by fetal alcohol syndrome, Mr A bears the expression of a man who's wife exercised a few too liberties at Pottery barn. Rather than confront the matter directly, he opted to reprimand her with a 60 grit surprise every time she reminds him how much money she saved.

Mr B.

Unburdened by his inner ginger, Mr. B, apparently was watching to Oscars when he came to the conclusion that James Franco can't grow a beard either (and that didn't stop him from getting with Linsey Lohan). His beard is like a mustang: Wild, untamed, multicolored and scattered unevenly across the country side. No need to inquire if the carpet matches the drapes, because the drapes don't match the drapes.

Mr. C.

This is an obvious fake. The entire chin is covered as if he emptied his vacuum bag after eating corn on the cob.

Mr D.

Normally he would have been disqualified for the extraneous animation, but I believe it is important to make an example of him. This beard, in its pupae stage of development, shows little promise. His beard; Inconsistent and disorganized, stunted by menthol cigarettes, it is a larger analogy of its owner's denial. The entrant choose to use digital imaging trickery to suggest us that he is smart and calculating, and that he has the conviction to sail across the north seas to conquer and pillage. But even Microsoft Paint cannot hide the sorrow in his eyes, and his more forlorn beard.

Mr E.

Solid & Consistent, Mr. E's beard covers his lantern jaw like a merino wool sweater on a cool Saturday afternoon trip to the cider mill. This is the beard that was traditionally used to measure the sharpness of an ax. To the casual observer, his sideways smirk may be misinterpreted as overconfidence. But Mr. E knows it's not about winning, it's about playing the game. Even if critics do surface, if he doesn't like whats being said, he knows he can always change the conversation.